A Daughter's 1st Letter of Apology
posted: Jul 24, 09:10 PM
Talking with my mother tends to fill me with immeasurable sadness. There was a time when I believed it was possible to support her as she made changes for the positive in her life, but I don’t believe this is possible anymore.
Perhaps I have lost my hope, because she has completely lost hers. I don’t know. I don’t think this is the case. I think she lost her hope a great many years ago and I was the one who reminded her there were opportunities and choices available to her and I would support her in organizing achieving her goals.
When my father died 23 years ago, my mother seemed to lose her focus. Her life revolved around him. Then around her children.
In retrospect I believe she had a great deal of anger and resentment about this, but, she was a woman who accepted, and liked, being Mrs. “Husband’s first name and last name”. She liked her “place” in society and the privilege associated with this role.
She floundered without her husband to focus upon. Then her youngest daughter (mid twenties, not a baby herself) became pregnant. My mother had a new focus. Get her married. Find her an apartment. Oops none good enough. Buy her a house. Buy her a car. Pay for her education. And on and on and on it went. The Bank of Mummy was alive and well.
My little sister loved it! Unfortunately, Aries and I got pretty tired of the inequity pretty quickly. Unfortunately, the inequity continued and continues. Two, possibly now three, houses later all to Virgo. I’ve lost count of the cars and trips and gifts and money given to Virgo (and stolen by Virgo when the “bank” got tired of donating).
Now, Virgo has moved in with our Mother. On the face of it, one could say “how kind and thoughtful, she wants to insure her mother is well cared for”. Hmmm…I avoid Virgo as much as possible. She’s volatile, a drama queen, a creative story teller, and really, really doesn’t like me because I hold her accountable for her actions and don’t give into her tears.
She’s tried on innumerable occasions to alienate my mother and I. Most recently she fired the caregiver to whom my mother had become closest. My mother told me she heard Virgo yelling at the caregiver and refusing to pay her. The caregiver stated she would go to the police if she wasn’t paid. My mother was then asked to write a cheque. I asked “When you’re paying “X” and you like her, why did you let Virgo fire her?” My mother’s reply was “It’s not worth upsetting V”. Too sad.
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I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve observed to my mother that if she was my adolescent daughter who never learned from her mistakes I’d be concerned. I’ve asked her to help me understand why she is surprised when certain family history repeats itself and she has been the catalyst which as allowed the negative history to keep on giving and giving.
I’ve listened to her. I’ve heard her. I’ve offered constructive advice, when asked. I’ve avoided saying “I told you so” or “I predicted this/that”. I’ve made phone calls; I’ve organized community connections; I’ve shared my concerns with medical staff, in multiple hospitals; last fall I found her in home support, etc. etc.
At the end of the day. She did it her way. She discharged herself from the hospital and went home with a half assed cared plan organized by the only child in her family who has a history of looking out for Number One!
The hospital staff advised against her going home. She herself, now says “this is no way to live”; “I wish I was dead”. It isn’t anyway to live and I can understand why she would think death was preferable. She has no quality of life. She is financially abused by the same child who brought her home.
She doesn’t have adequate in home support or care. But…there is nothing I can do. I’ve tried. I’ll keep trying, but it’s a lot like beating my head against a brick wall. She’s over an hour away from me. She’s taken all my energy and I’ve got none left to offer. I am more sad and sorry than I can express. This is probably my letter of apology to her for not being creative enough, wise enough or “something” enough to “make” her see the light.