Living with Cancer in One's Life
posted: Jul 8, 06:28 PM
There are moments when I marvel at the strength and resilience of human beings. Living and life require so much of us and sometimes, more of some than of others. I know, realistically speaking, everyone has challenges, but some challenges are more difficult to face than others.
I’m not going to get into a “spitting” competition here. I’ve questioned why I had to work three jobs to go to university and someone else didn’t, I’ve known true financial hardship, I’ve endured problems within personal relationships, and I’ve grieved over the death of those I’ve loved, including my father. Many of us have experience similar difficulties and losses.
What each of these challenges has in common was I knew/believed I would come out the other side of them. I would know more, be emotionally stronger, have greater empathy for the experiences of others..I believed I would survive and grow as a human being.
Cancer was my first, and only experience, of true, deep down, all out fear. Fear of every single unknown which exists in our mind. Fear of pain. Fear of loss of dignity. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of not being strong enough, both physically and emotionally. Fear of death.
The kind of fear which was not “talk throughable”. It didn’t matter what I said to myself, the fear was still there. The kind of fear that can still make my stomach clench because its memory is so intense. The kind of fear I could only answer with “Yes, I feel you. I know you’re not going away. But, I’ll be damned if you’re going to dictate how I live.”
The kind of fear that just when I think I’ve got the upper hand in fear stakes, something or someone, reminds me not to become over confident. Confidence is a good thing, over confidence is to be avoided.
Over the years since my diagnosis I’ve had some mystery lumps. Happily they all turned out to be false alarms, but one required a biopsy to prove it wasn’t anything to worry about. I’ve had iffy “freckles” burned off and I’ve talked myself through with “Most people my age have had too much sun and they don’t have skin cancer.”
Then, I had a call back on a mammogram, which, for some reason really “rattled” me. I opened the letter from the Breast Screening Clinic saying there was an abnormality and I’d been scheduled for further assessment and I just started to cry. I was inconsolable. I was a mess.
My mind couldn’t process how I would get through another experience with cancer. I felt lost. In every sense of the word, I felt lost.
I was so lost I didn’t even feel anger. I felt helpless, not an emotion I am accustomed to feeling. Cancer can do that to you. It feels so big and powerful and you feel so small and powerless.
I needed to feel like me. So, I called the hospital and explained my history and they moved my appointment to 48 hours later. The best they could do. The woman was so kind, she apologized for not being able to book me that afternoon. Then I called my v.p. to say I wouldn’t be in until after the mammogram. She told me if I needed sick time she would give me some of her days. I don’t know if that could have happened, but the practicality of her offer meant so much to me.
What prompted this post is Leanne Coppen’s Blog, Living with Breast Cancer. I posted a link to Leanne’s blog several months ago because her experience with cancer and how she has coped brought back many, many memories for me. Leanne has been told the cancer has metastasized and her treatment is no longer curative, but to prolong her life.
My heart is so full of emotion for Leanne and for her family.