No Facade
posted: Apr 14, 10:47 PM
I saw my family doctor today for the first time since September. Of course, this necessitated bringing her up to date on my life. It took a while.
When I was finished sharing my life’s events I observed “I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m not myself”. She replied “You are probably more yourself than you’ve ever been. You’ve no facade.”
I thought about what she’d said for a moment and I had to agree. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like needing help. I don’t like admitting I’m having an emotionally difficult time. I don’t like not being good at whatever I take on; scratch “good”, above average is what I expect of myself.
I always put on a good facade, laugh a lot, find the humor in my dramatic comedy of a life. It does take a great deal of energy.
I never say “I can’t”, because it implies “I’ve given up”. I don’t give up. Failure is not an option. Yet, today I said “I can’t do this on my own anymore” and I don’t feel like a failure. I feel better than I have in months. I feel like me. Yes, a very vulnerable version of me, but that’s o.k.
I knew I wasn’t alone, before, my friends have been gentle, caring, supportive, both emotionally and practically. But my philosophy of “just keep taking baby steps” or “take each day at a time” has just worn me out. I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally.
I’m off next week to take care of the child, and as my v.p. said “take care of yourself too.” My doctor wants to see me next Friday to decide if I should go back to work. There is a part of me that believes I need time to take walks, garden, read and take care of only me. We’ll see. Maybe the coming week will help me begin to find me again.
Gemini